Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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