god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
How external is "for external use only"?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
