Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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