My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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