Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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