You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
