You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
