I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
