I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize