You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
