I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
