Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
