i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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