I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
