I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize