If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
