my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
