my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
