So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
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