i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
