im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
