I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize