I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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