this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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