I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
