I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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