I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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