Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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