yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
