Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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