I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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