Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
