so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
We have started to decorate penises.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
