Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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