oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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