he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Randomize
