Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
