i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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