When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
