i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Randomize
