No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm getting married
To pizza
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
