Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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