Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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