the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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