There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
