Please, let me fuck your mom
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
