Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
