There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize