my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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