first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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