why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
