Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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