I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Randomize
