I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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