if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
