bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
