so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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