Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
