I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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